Fashion Victims

When I think back to some of the hair and clothing choices I made in high school, I have two choices: to laugh or to cry. Or I can laugh until I cry, which has happened more than once when I think about the perm I got that burned off huge chunks of my hair at the scalp. Please don't say the word "tuft" in my presence. I'm still sensitive.

Men my age don't really have this painful nostalgia problem unless they rocked swishy mullets, and even so, I don't think they look back on that as anything but evidence they once had super-heroic hair follicles. In short, fashion victims my age are far more likely to be girls. But you know what? The tide has turned.

I was walking behind a young man yesterday who appeared to be wearing the pants of an 8-year-old girl. His entire bottom—which I could easily see was wrapped in heather-gray underwear with a blue and white band—hung over the brim of his skinny, skinny pants.

It wasn't just a muffin top. It was a whole bakery top. Part of me wanted to see what was going on in the front, but the angels of my better nature really, really didn't. As he walked, his pants would slide down his legs, and every few steps he'd jerk them back up. He was one trombone sound effect away from being a walking cartoon.

Minutes later, I saw another boy about that age wearing skinny, skinny turquoise pants that also served as nothing more than a display shelf for his bottom.

What is up with this? Pretty much the first rule of pants is that they cover your front and back doors. You start with the fig leaf and work your way down. It's not that complicated.

When you add to this the ridiculousness of Zac Efron hairdo—dirty, dirty locks flat-ironed toward the cheeks like limp dandelion fringe—it becomes clear that the middle aged men of 2040 are setting themselves up for midlife crises of mythological proportions. Forget convertibles and younger women. These men will buy flying cars and date embryos.

And while I laugh at this, I also recognize that this laughter comes from within the generous confines of my very first pair of mom jeans. Apparently, the apocalypse is upon me, and it came wearing sensible shoes.

I recently bought this pair of high-waisted jeans because I got sick of having to use the buddy system to sit.

"Cover me!" I'd say to a friend so that no one behind me was getting peek at the full moon in broad daylight.

I found out about my pants through an online mom's group. Someone asked about jeans that don't reveal our middle-aged-mom mysteries and I wrote down the recommended brand. And it wasn't just a recommended brand, but one designed for Target by a woman who lives in my very neighborhood. You know you're getting old when pants from Target designed by someone who shops at the same drugstore sounds far more exciting than $300 "premium" denim.

My mom jeans are so comfortable. I can bend and pick stuff up without having to use one free hand to hold my pants in place. I no longer feel an unwelcome breeze on my lower back when I'm sitting in a chair. It's a thing of great joy.

Twenty years from now, I might look back on pictures of me in my mom jeans and wince in much the same way I do when I watch my future son-in-law try to parallel park his flying car.

I'm guessing, though, that any regret I feel won't be over how I look in my high-waisted pants, but rather, because it took me far too long to appreciate the even greater comfort of an elastic waistband.

--Martha Brockenbrough

Comments

[Deana]

My daughter, who is 14, has a friend who will shout out the car window when she is with us, admonishing young men to pull up their pants. It's....sometimes it's funny. Sometimes I burn rubber to get away. She has no filters.
As for the jeans...who cares? Target is the BEST! Don't forget the yoga pants...

[Christal]

I am just glad to see that I am not in this transition alone! Except my pants of choice are stretch gym pants!

[Jolie]

Heee-larious!

I wonder if those boys saw the news segment about how parts can be damaged by skinny jeans...the fear might have made them dip lower.

[Mrs4444]

Waiting to see the pictures of your new jeans!!

BTW, perfect description of the new "skinny" jeans on boys. They look ridiculous, but I suppose not much more than we did in our parachute pants!

[suzy]

Say it isn't so - you can't be wearing actual MOM jeans!!

[Heather]

I know how you feel! Once you are no longer a victim of the ever changing trends you are forced to keep up with in your teen years, you learn to appreciate comfort over anything else. I am still young, 28, but a mother of two toddlers who keep me busy. I simply don't have the patience to fight with my clothing in between chasing kids in the grocery store and talking them into their carseats! While I still try and buy clothes I feel are fairly fashionable, I refuse to wear clothing that isn't comfortable. Target is one of my favorite places to shop that offers both comfort and functionality in their clothing, while being fashionable and wallet friendly. Thanks for the article!

[Chioma]

Loved that. Haha. Except my boyfriend, Zac Efron, is an untouchable in terms of mocking!