Alice is a Droid

Adam and I used to joke that when Lucy got tired, she was like a robot on the fritz. She would walk in circles and say things that made no sense, just like a droid whose batteries had run down.

We were SO wrong.

Of the two of them, Alice is much more droid-like. She takes an extremely literal view of the world, like Data on “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” And I confess…I love it completely.

I guess I first detected this on Election Day last year. The family had gathered around the television with a few of my friends from high school so that we could watch the results as they were broadcast. Alice, who’d voted for Barack Obama in her class election, had a very glum look on her face.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. “Your guy is winning.”

“When are they going to RUN?” she asked. “This is BORING. You told me Barack Obama was running against John McCain.”

I could see her point. It would have been much more interesting if there had been a foot race between the two men, and it probably wouldn’t have risked a Constitutional crisis by changing the outcome, if the shirtless Obama photos are any indication.

A few weeks later, Adam returned from a business trip with a small, black bag of chocolate for the girls.

“Alice,” he said, “Go upstairs and get me the little black bag that’s in my suitcase.”

Alice did just as he asked.

“Where’s the chocolate?” he said.

“You told me to bring you the BAG,” she explained. She didn’t need to say, “Daddy, you are such a dimwit.” It was written on her face.

It’s entirely possible that Lucy also would have brought down an empty bag, but only because she’d eaten the goods. Alice, who loves chocolate more than anything, has amazing self restraint. What child will dump out a bag of candy and not even ask for a piece? A robot child.

A few months later, we went to a wedding. Alice kept cruising by the cake table. I don’t blame her.  It was a spectacular-looking confection.

“When do we get cake?”

“After the toast,” I told her. (Adam told her the same thing when she pestered him.)

They finally served the cake, which had fruit in it. Like all good droids, Alice thinks fruit is the work of the devil, so she decided not to eat the cake after all.

“But at least there’s going to be toast,” she chirped.

That’s when Adam had to take her into another room and explain that “toast” has two meanings. Alice did her best not to cry. (Emoting: It’s so human.) It’s not like she’s wrong about this topic, either. Toast at a wedding would be really, really good, especially when everyone is tired and emotionally overflowing and sore in the feet from wearing party shoes.

Alice sealed it for me, though, with her reaction to “Star Wars.” Like a lot of kids, Lucy and Alice like to compare themselves to the characters onscreen, judging which ones they most resemble. Lucy decided she was most like Chewbacca—loud, loyal and hairy. Alice is probably the first child in the history of “Star Wars” to identify with C-3PO, the nerdy protocol droid who speaks 5 billion languages and whose wisdom is routinely ignored by the Han Solo when he’s beating on the Millennium Falcon with a wrench.

I don’t know about you, but most of my life philosophy has its basis in middle school musicals, but that’s probably only because my parents didn’t get cable TV till I went off to college. Thanks to “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown,” I know that Socrates is the philosopher who said, “Know thyself.”

Alice, at age 5, already has her Socrates down pat. For Mother’s Day, instead of the customary self-portrait, Alice gave me an awesome drawing of a pink computer (the desk is red because Alice knows red is my favorite color).

I won’t be surprised if she next year, instead of a birthday party, she asks for an upgrade celebration. Who am I to say no to whatever Alice 6.0 wants?

--Martha Brockenbrough

Comments

[Jolie]

Great stories! I love Alice's C 3PO ways.

[Priya]

Man, Martha, you really are the best writer! I've been following you since your blog before you published your first book (don't remember the name, its been so long...)

[Lynne Kenney]

Really nice writing. Flowed like a movie. I loved the party segment, how we all can relate.