I think I’ve found the perfect pet.
This is nothing against my dog, of course. I love her more with every passing day. Granted, I started at a pretty low point because she’s only one week older than Alice, and in case anyone is wondering whether it’s a good idea to have a puppy and a newborn at the same time, I can say with certainty that are not enough diapers in the world to contain the mess.
My point, and I do have one, is that I love my dog with all my heart. But for ease of operation and general usefulness, it’s hard to beat a Venus Fly Trap. They won’t make cute noises or lick you, but after almost nine years of parenthood, I’m realizing that cute noises and licking are sort of overrated. Eating flies, on the other hand, is always welcome.
In fact, Miss Venus Fly Trap, as the kids have named her, caught a fly this morning. I’ve checked on her progress several times. She’s a model for slow, calm eating, or so it looks at this point. It could be that she’s in desperate need of a Heimlich maneuver because the fly is almost as big as her head or whatever you call those serrated pod things that wave around on their slim green stalks.
But until she keels over, I choose to believe that she’s savoring the meal, something I wish my kids would do. And I know other animals, like snakes, could be viewed as good role models because they, too, eat vermin and take awhile to squeeze lunch through the system, but I’m really not up for that kind of drama.
My brother has a corn snake that once got loose. They found it in a Nilla Wafers box with a suspicious bulge in its midsection. It gave me nightmares. I can imagine the same is true for Nilla Wafers, and what have they ever done to hurt anyone?
It’s not just Miss Fly Trap’s promise to eat our flies and teach my children manners while laying off the Nabisco products, though. She also doesn’t shed. Not fur or skin. Nor do I have to take her to the vet. Nor am I expected to stick my finger in her mouth and brush her teeth with chicken-flavored toothpaste, as you are supposed to do these days with your dog. When her old teeth get tired, they just turn black and shrivel up and then I snip off the stalk and toss it in the compost bucket.
I never thought I’d celebrate anything turning black and shriveling up—not since certain dark thoughts I had about a mean high school teacher. But hey. This is the beauty of middle age: the ability to look at shriveling in a whole new way.
Still, my favorite part about Miss Venus Fly Trap is that she reminds me of my own childhood, and specifically, Mother’s Day. We once bought one for my mom as a gift at the local hardware store. This was after we bought her measuring spoons, which made her cry. Unfortunately, she was not crying Tears of Joy. These were Tears of After All I’ve Sacrificed for You Kids, All You Thought to Buy Me Was Measuring Spoons?
We never made that same mistake again, and by buying a Venus Fly Trap just before Mother’s Day, I am sparing my kids the same fate.
Just to be certain, though, I will state for the record that I do not want or need measuring spoons. Or a kitten. Because we already have a dog I love, along with the perfect pet. Life is pretty good that way.
I too have a pet plant.You would love it too! It's called the TickleMe Plant. It a real plant that MOVES when you Tickle It! The leaves instantly close and even the branches droop when Ticked. It will reopen for me within 20 minutes ready to be Tickled again!. I found it at http://www.ticklemeplant.com
Posted by: Jill | June 24, 2009 at 07:02 AM